Parker’s Law 2 – The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men . . .

Garland Parker was an old time cop, but he was also a bit of a philosopher. He coined what many of the youngsters he trained call “Parker’s Laws.” They’re a variety of little tidbits that shows his profound thinking regarding police work.

Law one states “We catch criminals because they don’t plan on getting caught.” Which is true. It they planned on getting caught, chances are they wouldn’t do what they were planning on doing.

Law two went “Crooks don’t always think it through.” Very true.

Case in point.

Years ago, a friend of my father’s confessed a crime to me.

Now being a police officer is sometimes like being a bar tender or a parish priest. People will confess the most interesting things to you. In this case, there was nothing I could do about it since it happened in a different jurisdiction and the statute of limitations had ran out almost forty years before. Indeed, what he confessed to happened even before I was born!

His confession proves law two.

There was a pool hall in Alamosa, Colorado, called, creatively enough, Mack’s Pool Hall. It was located on State Street, and the local toughs congregated there to play pool. We used to get some business there, but it was usually pretty tame.

Well, back in the 40s and 50s, the owner had an office in the back. He usually left the door open, and setting in the corner, for the whole world to see, was a safe.

Now this wasn’t one of those small safes you buy at Walmart. This was one of those big, needing fifty guys to pick up to move safes. It was made of heavy steel, and had an imposing looking dial on the front.

Now anytime you have a safe, speculation can run rampant about what’s inside. Some people speculated there was money in the safe. A good speculation. Others speculated jewelry. Others, this and that. But speculation has a way of compounding and becoming reality and before too long, everyone knew old Mack had tens of thousands of dollars in there and enough diamond rings, emeralds, rubies and gold to make a Sultan drool.

And one day, while playing pool, someone realized it was just big enough to fit through a window in the back of the pool hall. All they had to do was move it.

A plot was soon hatched.

There was a narrow space between the pool hall and the Montgomery Wards store next door. This offered great concealment for their nefarious plan. The plan was that about three in the morning, they’d break in through the window in the alley. They’d get into the office, and use piano movers to move the safe to the window. They would then lift the safe through the window, and drop it into the alleyway. The fall would probably break it open. They get the money and the gems and live like kings. End of plan.

The first part of the plan went without a hitch. They got through the window and into the office. They then managed to get the safe up on the piano dollies, and move it to the window. Now, this is where their plan went south. It was a good three foot lift from the floor to the window. The safe weighed close to a quarter ton.

There was no way they were going to dead lift it up enough to dump it out through the window.

Undeterred, a couple of the guys ran home and rounded up a couple of two ton jacks. Armed with the jacks, they then jacked it up. Again, this proved easier said than done. Off balance, the safe kept tottering over, and released of the weight, the jacks would come shooting out, often times almost taking out our would be robbers. Several of them suffered smashed toes, assorted bruises and bangs as the safe and jacks came within inches of killing them.

They knew the idea worked, so they came back with more jacks. With a jack at almost every corner, they got it up enough so they could push it out the window.

The safe fell into the alley with a thump that they were sure everyone in town had heard.

And the safe stayed shut.

Worse, they were sure someone had heard them and would be coming to investigate.

Sunrise wasn’t too far away now. They didn’t have a lot of choices. They could take the safe with them and try to open it in one of their garages, or flush all that hard work and planning down the tubes and leave the safe lying in the alley.

The money they imagined was in the safe would already be needed to pay for their hernia operations, so they opted for plan number one. They got the piano dollies under the safe, and managed to move it down to place where they could load it on a pickup. They had to improvise a ramp, and it took all eight of them to maneuver it, lift it, and slide it into the pickup.

Before the sun came up, they had the safe in a garage.

Now, they’d prove to themselves what great safe crackers they really were. After all, they’d watched movies and knew what the crackers were listening for. Three whole days later, and after much frustration, swearing and generally just being upset with themselves, they realized that most movie safe crackers have a lot of help from script writers and directors.

We’ll just hacksaw it open, they thought. Fifty broken blades later, and with hands that were covered with blisters, that didn’t sound like such a good idea.

They then tried a hammer and chisel. But it made so much noise, the neighbors were asking what they were doing over there, and starting to complain about the racket.

And all this time, they’re getting scared.

The newspapers had published articles about this brazen burglary. Everyone knows a safe was stolen from the pool hall, and the cops are calling it a very professional job. They are investigating it, and expect to make arrests soon.

This preys on their minds.

Every time they hear a police siren, or a cop drives innocently down their block, they just knew the cops were coming for them. It’s only a matter of time before they felt the cold steel of handcuffs and hear the slam of a jail door.

So they decide that there’s one sure way to open the safe. They’ll take it up to the pass, drop it over a cliff, and then scamper down to get their fortune. Of course the effort they’ve put in so far means there not just tens of thousands of dollars in there, but hundreds of thousands. There’s enough jewelry to make Tiffany’s look like a dime store. All that locked mere inches from them.

So, that night, they loaded the safe up and drove it up to the top of the pass. There was a two hundred foot high cliff there, and a fall off that should open the safe as if it were a candy bar.

So here they go, driving through the darkness, any moment expecting the cops to pull them over and ask about the safe. A couple of hours later, they get to the top of the pass. They unload the safe, and moving carefully in the darkness, get it to the edge.

A healthy kick and the safe goes over the edge of the cliff. They hear it bounce once off the cliff wall. Then twice. Then a third time.

Then there’s a loud splash.

The splash wasn’t part of the plan.

When the sun came up, they hiked down to the bottom of the cliff. They could see where the safe had bounced down the cliff.

What they couldn’t see was the safe.

The splash was when it bounced into a beaver pond. It was underwater and probably had buried itself in the silt. And nowhere along the way down had it opened. There wasn’t a single dime or piece of costume jewelry to be found.

So, someplace on La Veta Pass, buried under the mud of almost a hundred years is a safe that might be holding uncounted riches. But more than likely it holds nothing but the dirty water that has seeped into it over the years.

If you want to go looking for it, knock yourself out.

Finding the Lost Dutchman Mine would probably be easier and more rewarding.