The Comedic Side of DUI Arrests: A True Tale

War stories are almost always told over a couple of beers that are gradually getting warm. And they’re usually told on the back porch between friends who are in a similar profession. They’re almost always hysterical, and almost always have a point to the story.

In short, don’t be this stupid because the war story almost always happened to someone else.

So, with that, here’s one of my favorites.

I had been out investigating a break in south of Antonito, Colorado and was heading back to the Sheriff’s Office to file my paperwork when I got a call from one of the Antonito city police officers.

“Conejos 4, could you meet me behind the VFW? I need assistance with a DUI.”

Now when you live and work in a county where there’s never enough officers, you soon learn you’re in this game they call law enforcement together. You need to always have each other’s back, so when he asked for assistance, I went.

I did think it was little strange that he had a DUI at 9 in the morning, but then on second thought, it isn’t so strange if you were out all night.

When I arrived, he had this car pulled over in the parking lot. The driver stood outside the car and he was bombed beyond belief. and was lucky to be standing at all.  He swayed from side to side like a tree caught in a hurricane, and would surely topple over any second.

And he smelled so wonderful even the flies were staying away. It appeared he’d been wearing the same clothes for a few days, and he’d urinated and defecated all over himself, and I found myself standing a bit up wind.

Talk about a lost weekend!

Well, it turned out the city cop wasn’t having issues. He just wanted a witness to the roadside sobriety test. So I watched, leaned against the hood of my car. The cop instructed the guy to hold out his right hand and touch his nose with his finger.

Then he demonstrated. Now the thing they always yelled at us in the academy was you never demonstrate the maneuver. You explain it, and it’s up to them to figure it out. My colleague put out his right hand, and touched his nose with his finger. The guy tried it and got himself in the ear.

He then did the alphabet. The guy tried, stopping at “P” because most of that had run down his leg.

He asked for other maneuvers, which the guy totally screwed up.

Then the cop looked at me with a wink. “Watch this.”

He was doing a test that I’d heard of, but never actually seen done. It’s called the “Key Drop,” only he’d modified it a little.

“Here’s what I want you to do,” he said. “I’m going to drop my keys, and I want you to stand on one foot, bend over, and pick them up.”

Now try that someday. It’s hell on a sober person to do without falling on their face. A drunken person? They’ll never make it. What he was enjoying was the prospect of seeing the guy fall on his face.

But no, the officer demonstrated the maneuver. He dropped the keys, stood on one foot, and bent over. He looked like a tree falling as he rapidly tried to catch himself, and he fell face first into the parking lot.

I looked at the officer, then at the drunk driver, and then back at him.

“Before you put the cuffs on this guy,” I said, “can I have a word with you?”

He got up all embarrassed. “What?”

“Do you intend to charge this man?”

“Of course.  Why?”

“Because you’re going to look like a complete and total ass in court when the Defense Attorney asks if you could pass your own road side sobriety test.”

The look on his face was classic. He hadn’t thought of that. While I thought he could still make a good case out of it, the fact he’d look stupid was something he didn’t want to do.

“So what do I do with him?”

“Call detox. Bring him into the jail, we’ll call them anyway. I’m sure his blood alcohol level is well into the danger zone.”

“Will you take him for me?”

The wind shifted a little and my nose wrinkled up at the odor boiling off the man.

“I don’t want him in my cruiser. He’s all yours.”

He spent the afternoon hosing the back of his cruiser down.

And now he knows why his patrol car had vinyl seats.